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I know I shouldn't edit when I'm not even done. But, this concrit thing has been kicking me in the ass. So, I'm highlighting, color-coding, making notes and wondering if it's worth it.
( Cut for the men who may be reading. Discussion of womanly issues within. )
So, for easy locating, and posterity, this is what I've heard so far.
"This has been well written, although I can understand why you're unsure about how it reads. You're introducing a lot of new concepts and characters very early on, which can be overwhelming for a reader. However I didn't find myself wanting to drift off at all: you've done well to feed the information in slowly. But I might be more patient than most readers, I don't know.
I like the way you've captured the scene of the children playing in the evening, it's very effective. But the game the Smalls play will be alien to a new reader and isn't informative to the story, so you might want to consider cutting it or using it somewhere else later on. It's a nice idea, but its a risky tactic.
The stories that the Smalls tell each other seems to be more integral to the plot, so you might want to explore more of them rather than using the ball game, although your descriptions of the fountain are very nice. Maybe the Smalls could simply throw the ball to each other while telling each other stories. That way, you could build up a greater tension in the prologue.
I hope this helps you out a little. I think you've got good descriptions skills and a nice idea here. If you want to write a longer piece though, don't get bogged down with editing at this stage, keep developing the story!!!
P.S. That includes worrying about the title "
"Yeah it was a lot of information to digest especially for a prologue. That being said it did keep me interested and your descriptions are effective. I was caught off gaurd at one poin at first I thought they were playing baseball then you mentioned football and it wasn't till the end I realized this was fantasy. All that being said I'm sure you know better than anyone where you are headed so my advice is to keep at it until the story is complete then hammer out any issues."
"So. Two targeted suggestions:
a) The boy's disappearance in the prologue. I know it was meant to be very sudden and shocking, but I think it was almost too sudden, writing-wise. I think even a sentence more of lead up (the younger girl pointing to the fountain, something like that) might do well to set up the disappearance.
b) Chapter 1 feels like it has a great many goals all at once. I feel like I'd need to read it super-slowly or more than once to grasp what was going on. You might try changing the descriptions to be less leading - just hair color and texture, etc, without suggesting that it's a sign of wasting. Then you can catch up with it later in another chapter. Also, I would again suggest more lead up, this time to the bathing ceremony. I only got that it was supposed to be important right before she was stepping into the bath.
I only made it to the ceremony, so that's where my advice ends.
I'm excited to see more!"
Maybe after my hormone levels are back at "sane human being", I can try to work on it again.
Bah, effing Humbug
( Cut for the men who may be reading. Discussion of womanly issues within. )So, for easy locating, and posterity, this is what I've heard so far.
"This has been well written, although I can understand why you're unsure about how it reads. You're introducing a lot of new concepts and characters very early on, which can be overwhelming for a reader. However I didn't find myself wanting to drift off at all: you've done well to feed the information in slowly. But I might be more patient than most readers, I don't know.
I like the way you've captured the scene of the children playing in the evening, it's very effective. But the game the Smalls play will be alien to a new reader and isn't informative to the story, so you might want to consider cutting it or using it somewhere else later on. It's a nice idea, but its a risky tactic.
The stories that the Smalls tell each other seems to be more integral to the plot, so you might want to explore more of them rather than using the ball game, although your descriptions of the fountain are very nice. Maybe the Smalls could simply throw the ball to each other while telling each other stories. That way, you could build up a greater tension in the prologue.
I hope this helps you out a little. I think you've got good descriptions skills and a nice idea here. If you want to write a longer piece though, don't get bogged down with editing at this stage, keep developing the story!!!
P.S. That includes worrying about the title "
"Yeah it was a lot of information to digest especially for a prologue. That being said it did keep me interested and your descriptions are effective. I was caught off gaurd at one poin at first I thought they were playing baseball then you mentioned football and it wasn't till the end I realized this was fantasy. All that being said I'm sure you know better than anyone where you are headed so my advice is to keep at it until the story is complete then hammer out any issues."
"So. Two targeted suggestions:
a) The boy's disappearance in the prologue. I know it was meant to be very sudden and shocking, but I think it was almost too sudden, writing-wise. I think even a sentence more of lead up (the younger girl pointing to the fountain, something like that) might do well to set up the disappearance.
b) Chapter 1 feels like it has a great many goals all at once. I feel like I'd need to read it super-slowly or more than once to grasp what was going on. You might try changing the descriptions to be less leading - just hair color and texture, etc, without suggesting that it's a sign of wasting. Then you can catch up with it later in another chapter. Also, I would again suggest more lead up, this time to the bathing ceremony. I only got that it was supposed to be important right before she was stepping into the bath.
I only made it to the ceremony, so that's where my advice ends.
I'm excited to see more!"
Maybe after my hormone levels are back at "sane human being", I can try to work on it again.
Bah, effing Humbug
