Le Cafe des Muses

 So, Chris and I have been talking. In order to get away with Project Reveille getting off the ground, we need approval from some people. We have a chance at that approval, but there's always the chance that we'll be turned down. Chris will continue to try, but he offered me up an alternative. We take Project Reveille and make Project Lunacy out of it.

For some strange reason, no matter how reasonably he presents it, I'm instinctively balking at the idea. I have to wonder if JD has been told and what he thinks of it. I want to like it, I want to try, I want to make it work. Except that I don't. I'm fighting it. The very idea of taking four years worth of work and chopping out what feel like huge sections (that Chris swears aren't that big) to make it fit another world makes my skin crawl. I cried when we talked about it and it seems stupid, but it hurt to think that all my work trying to find ways to explain such a deep and detail-rich world without treating my viewers like idiots or falling into tired old exposition styles was going to be wasted because none of the same history or mythos would apply (I'm sorry, dude, I love you, but you can't tell me that the Ur-Mage Society in "Reveille" is the same as in "Lunacy" or even that there was one).

It's so fucking childish of me, I know. I'm being stupid about it. But, personal pride has made me hardheaded and, right now, I can't bear to look at my notes for anything dealing with the project. Probably just as well. It seems I've lost some important notes. 

Why can't I just be a damn grownup about this?

My tent was too big, because the Camp Mom apparently didn't get my measurements. So I had to move into a MUCH SMALLER loaner tent, where I can't move enough to dress without having the door open.

We adopted a stray, who invites herself to everything and likes being teh nekkid.

My camp bed broke.

The loaner tent has a roof that liberally mists me in every rainstorm.

I got a UTI AND the mother of all colds within 24 hours of each other.

I've been trying to resist temptation because I'm living on 12 bucks a day.

And the internet is too expensive for more than a few minutes.

I'm getting home as fast as is physically possible, taking the longest hottest shower I can and hiding in bed for 48 hours until it's all a rosy haze of booze, pretty things and ball-jointed doll meets.

So, that show? The one that basically had me cranking out a number or two in 20 days or less?

Yeah, Just heard today. It's been canceled.

I haven't been this pissed off in a while. My mother drove up from Durham and got heinously lost today, last minute, to help me choreograph and costume. Lilith is furious, rightfully so. I burst into tears. I think that, no matter how awesome the tips were there, we are DONE with their bullshit. 

I need rum and something to hit.

 A friend's very sound advice turns out to be taking you in the opposite direction you wanted to go and you are upset because of it. And then, you cry, because you know you're being childish and an idiot and you should really knock it the fuck off. But, you can't. You can't stop crying and you can't stop fussing and watching your plans and all sorts of things go their own way. Your friends are fighting and other friends are trying to help and the thing that sends you over the edge is so damn stupid, you feel dumb just writing about it.

God help me, I'm a mess. Here's hoping the guy I'm seeing tomorrow might have some answers.

I'm done with winter. I'm done with country living. I'm done with my optimism getting me nowhere. Every time I get excited about doing something or going somewhere or having something, no matter how simple or how uncluttered, it falls to pieces. It snows, or I get sick, or the money vanishes and Tim doesn't want to worry me, so he won't tell me what it was needed for. I'm tired of waking up to apologetic phone calls and hearing sympathy in voices. It's the most exhausting thing in the world to try and be patient, to sit back and say, "another time". There have been enough "other times". Patience has done nothing but drive wedges between me and my friends.

I'm also finished with not being able to do anything about it. But there's nothing to be done about that, either.