twistdfateangel: (Default)
 So, Chris and I have been talking. In order to get away with Project Reveille getting off the ground, we need approval from some people. We have a chance at that approval, but there's always the chance that we'll be turned down. Chris will continue to try, but he offered me up an alternative. We take Project Reveille and make Project Lunacy out of it.

For some strange reason, no matter how reasonably he presents it, I'm instinctively balking at the idea. I have to wonder if JD has been told and what he thinks of it. I want to like it, I want to try, I want to make it work. Except that I don't. I'm fighting it. The very idea of taking four years worth of work and chopping out what feel like huge sections (that Chris swears aren't that big) to make it fit another world makes my skin crawl. I cried when we talked about it and it seems stupid, but it hurt to think that all my work trying to find ways to explain such a deep and detail-rich world without treating my viewers like idiots or falling into tired old exposition styles was going to be wasted because none of the same history or mythos would apply (I'm sorry, dude, I love you, but you can't tell me that the Ur-Mage Society in "Reveille" is the same as in "Lunacy" or even that there was one).

It's so fucking childish of me, I know. I'm being stupid about it. But, personal pride has made me hardheaded and, right now, I can't bear to look at my notes for anything dealing with the project. Probably just as well. It seems I've lost some important notes. 

Why can't I just be a damn grownup about this?

twistdfateangel: (Default)
 I love children. Really I do. They're precious and snuggly and adorable. I'm glad to watch them. Provided I volunteer or am asked, rather than being "volun-told".

I have been drafted to look after the Boss' baby. I don't mind as long as I am ASKED first. I had things I was going to do tomorrow morning. The bedroom needs serious cleaning. The dishes need doing. I have sewing and laundry to do. If they had asked me before "Hey, Brenna, can you watch the baby?" I might have said, "sure, okay." I would have been able to reschedule my chores to keep an eye on him without being more than a room away. Instead, everybody, whether they mean to or not has gotten in on this. I just got a text, from my husband (who I THOUGHT understood) asking if I was getting up at 8 to watch the baby. I left my phone downstairs and didn't hear it until he texted me back with "Well?"

I am tired of everyone assuming that because I am housebound and young, that I am just sitting around waiting for shit to be given to me to do. I am tired of feeling ganged-up on and picked at and used up. I wish I could just run away with the circus, like they used to do.

I just want them to acknowledge that I have a say. At the very least, they could pay me for this.
twistdfateangel: (Default)
My tent was too big, because the Camp Mom apparently didn't get my measurements. So I had to move into a MUCH SMALLER loaner tent, where I can't move enough to dress without having the door open.

We adopted a stray, who invites herself to everything and likes being teh nekkid.

My camp bed broke.

The loaner tent has a roof that liberally mists me in every rainstorm.

I got a UTI AND the mother of all colds within 24 hours of each other.

I've been trying to resist temptation because I'm living on 12 bucks a day.

And the internet is too expensive for more than a few minutes.

I'm getting home as fast as is physically possible, taking the longest hottest shower I can and hiding in bed for 48 hours until it's all a rosy haze of booze, pretty things and ball-jointed doll meets.

Typical...

Apr. 3rd, 2010 01:54 pm
twistdfateangel: (Default)
 Raven got out last night. As usual, Tim didn't want me to worry, so he didn't tell me.

This is so fucking typical of him. This is the rent money all over again. He doesn't want me to worry, so he just hopes I won't have to find out and says nothing. So Raven is gone and I only find out because I call for her and THEN he tells me, because the jig is apparently up!

Does he even trust me to be a fucking adult? 

EDIT: Kitty came home. No longer angry.
twistdfateangel: (Default)
So, that show? The one that basically had me cranking out a number or two in 20 days or less?

Yeah, Just heard today. It's been canceled.

I haven't been this pissed off in a while. My mother drove up from Durham and got heinously lost today, last minute, to help me choreograph and costume. Lilith is furious, rightfully so. I burst into tears. I think that, no matter how awesome the tips were there, we are DONE with their bullshit. 

I need rum and something to hit.
twistdfateangel: (Default)
Today's heavy, ranty stuff... )

Okay, I'm done with that.

Now, I've been thinking of trying to become a professional blogger. Except, I'm not sure what I'd blog about. I considered writing about being a female nerd/lolita/whatever else I identify as, brought up in the South and living as a modern liberal spiritual type, surrounded by mostly conservative religious types (tentative title: Southern Fried Loli). But, right now, I live so far from anything, I wouldn't have much to write about. It may just have to wait another year.
twistdfateangel: (Default)
It's like this... )
twistdfateangel: (Default)
 He canceled. Signal out here sucks so hard I didn't get the voicemails until after the receptionist told me to go home. And because he does all his scheduling, I don't know when I will get to see him.

So done with country living.
twistdfateangel: (Default)
 A friend's very sound advice turns out to be taking you in the opposite direction you wanted to go and you are upset because of it. And then, you cry, because you know you're being childish and an idiot and you should really knock it the fuck off. But, you can't. You can't stop crying and you can't stop fussing and watching your plans and all sorts of things go their own way. Your friends are fighting and other friends are trying to help and the thing that sends you over the edge is so damn stupid, you feel dumb just writing about it.

God help me, I'm a mess. Here's hoping the guy I'm seeing tomorrow might have some answers.
twistdfateangel: (disgust)
 Screw you so very much, Sprint! You could have said it was an issue WE could fix, rather than making us wait until YOU guys changed your automated response. Instead, you refused to try and tell anybody about the stupid easy fix.

*growl* So glad we switched phones to Verizon, even if they are difficult.
twistdfateangel: (Default)
I'm done with winter. I'm done with country living. I'm done with my optimism getting me nowhere. Every time I get excited about doing something or going somewhere or having something, no matter how simple or how uncluttered, it falls to pieces. It snows, or I get sick, or the money vanishes and Tim doesn't want to worry me, so he won't tell me what it was needed for. I'm tired of waking up to apologetic phone calls and hearing sympathy in voices. It's the most exhausting thing in the world to try and be patient, to sit back and say, "another time". There have been enough "other times". Patience has done nothing but drive wedges between me and my friends.

I'm also finished with not being able to do anything about it. But there's nothing to be done about that, either.
twistdfateangel: (Default)
This dance number is not working out. I'm tempted to just say "screw it" and tell L. I can't do this show. I'm stressed, overheated, tired and out of time. I want to cry at this point, because I knew this was coming and I should have prepared more, but I did nothing.

I'll try one more time tonight, then take my meds and try again in the morning when I'm awake and fed. I HAVE to do this, damnit. I am TIRED of never pulling through!

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